The realness is real: 8.5 things you should do before getting knocked up

Not all first time parents plan for it to the extent that G and I did. But even with all our planning, there are still things I wish someone had told me before I got pregnant. I knew the big ones: No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs, not too much caffeine and take a prenatal vitamin before getting pregnant. But there’s so many other things I wish someone would have told me before ever getting knocked up. Here’s my list. I will probably add to it throughout the pregnancy, but here’s my list of things to do before the pee stick turns pink:

WEAN OFF THE CAFFEINE SLOWLY

If you’re a caffeine addict like me, start weening off at least three months ahead of time in order to avoid Hulking out at random strangers who cut you off in traffic and the seemingly inevitable caffeine headaches.

I used to drink 3-4 fully caffeinated cups of coffee per day. Slowly, before we even started trying to make the seamonkey, I got down to one mug (so about 1.5 cups) of half-caff coffee per day. When I make coffee on the weekends, I make it even weaker so that I can have more cups (it’s about 1/5 caff on the weekends). Occasionally, after I’ve maxed out my caffeine for the day and I still want more coffee, I go straight-up decaf.

G and I did this (yes, he did it too! Which was a HUGE help) by replacing one spoonful of coffee grounds with decaf coffee grounds per week. So, we use 5 spoons of coffee grounds per day. For the first week, we used 4 spoons of full-caff coffee and one spoon of decaf. And so on. Once you’ve got the strength down to where you want it, then start drinking less cups per day. The hardest part for me wasn’t the strength going down, it was having to say “no” to more cups. BUT BELIEVE ME, THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER THAN GOING COLD TURKEY. 

CLEAN YO HOUSE

My house is a disaster area. I mean, it’s really bad. It’s partly bad because neither G nor I are big cleaners, and for better or worse, we’re both fine with that. But the main issue is that we have way, way, way too much stuff in our house.

When you lump all of my mom’s stuff that I inherited, with G’s dad’s stuff that he inherited, with my actual stuff and G’s actual stuff, and add on to the fact that G and I are both basically total slobs, plus we have three cats who like to fuck shit up just cuz they’re cats and that’s what cats do … our house perpetually looks like a tornado hit it.

My advice is to take care of as much house stuff as you can prior to even getting pregnant. For two reasons:

1. If you think you’re going to have the energy to deal with stuff while pregnant, you’re wrong. You’re not gonna want to do shit.
2. Pregnancy goes by a lot faster than it seems like it will. This week starts my second trimester (meaning I’m 1/3 of the way through it), and it seems like the pee stick just changed colors the other day.

PAY OFF AT LEAST ONE DEBT/CREDIT CARD

We don’t have much for credit cards, but we do have loans. We both have car loans, G has a personal loan, I have a credit card and seriously scary school loans and it’s all starting to get really stressful.

Pay off at least one thing before getting pregnant, if nothing else, for the peace of mind. But also, do it because you never know when something’s going to break — and something always breaks.

TALK TO HR AT YOUR WORK AND PLAN ACCORDINGLY

I thought I knew exactly what my employer’s maternity leave/short term disability policies were before getting up the spout. But it turns out, I didn’t even remotely have a clue.

The state I live in requires employers to give employees 10 weeks of unpaid family leave (my employer offers 12 weeks unpaid), but it’s up to the employers how that leave is used. Mine is making me use my family leave for all of my prenatal appointments, which means I’ll have less than 12 weeks off once the seamonkey arrives.

On top of that, I bought short term disability to help once I’m on maternity leave, and the STD I bought offers 11 weeks at 60% of your normal pay. What I didn’t read in the fine print is that they determine how much of that 11 weeks you actually get depending on your condition. If I have a complication-free natural child birth, I only get 6 weeks of STD. If I have a C-section, I get 8 weeks.

This means that I won’t even have 12 weeks of unpaid leave to take once the seamonkey arrives, and of whatever time I do have left, only 6-8 weeks of it will be paid at all. Plus, I’m required to use up all of my PTO (paid time off) for the year before the short term disability even kicks in.

And for the final kicker, while I’m on leave, my benefit costs will continue to accrue, but will not be taken out of any paychecks. This means when I do return to work, my paychecks will be smaller until I pay back all of the accrued benefits in the time I was off. AND, I won’t have any more PTO to use for the rest of the year (that’s vacation, sick time, appointments — any reason for not being at work), because I’ll have been forced to use it all on my leave.

If I had understood this before getting pregnant, I would have pared down my expenses and started saving earlier. And I would have reduced the number of benefits I buy through my employer, to reduct the accrued total when I return to work.

ADJUST YOUR SLEEPING HABITS

If you’re a back or stomach sleeper, those are both big fat NOPES in pregnancy. I’m a back sleeper because I have low back and neck issues, and the back is the most comfortable for me. The last time the nerve damage in my neck flared up, I couldn’t sleep on my left side for three months. Shit, I couldn’t even lean on my left side for three months.

Now that I’m 1/3 of the way through incubating this seamonkey, I’m having a harder and harder time sleeping, because you’re basically not supposed to sleep on your back for your second or third trimesters. I’m waking up every couple of hours to switch sides (and pee). If you’re not used to side sleeping, it can really be hell on your hips and low back (even with a pillow between your knees, which I have to use). So I suggest working up to it, so that when the second trimester hits, you can still manage to get some zzzz’s.

Here’s some sleeping-while-pregnant tips from WebMD.

INVEST IN UNDERGARMENTS

This is a big one. HUGE. And not just literally.

I’m 13 weeks pregnant, and none of my underwear fit. Not even my “fat” underwear from before I lost 50 lbs. And my breasticles already jumped up one boob size, and I suspect they will jump up to the next within the next two months (that’s right internet, I started out a B and I’m going to become a D — or more).

But here’s the kicker: I can’t afford to buy new undergarments right now. I will be able to in a couple weeks, but that means I’ll have to spend three weeks with underwear riding up my butt crack and rolling down in the front. I’m also considering going from low-rise bikinis to the hi-cut bikinis, because that FUPA-underwear-rolldown is ridiculously uncomfortable and I don’t recommend it.

BUILD UP YOUR LEG MUSCLES

My legs feel so weak. Honestly, walking from my office to the bathroom is exhausting, but only on my legs. My legs feel like they’re 20 lbs heavier (even though they aren’t). I don’t know why my legs feel so weak/heavy, but they do, and I’ve been wishing I had done squats and other leg exercises in the months beforehand to combat this weakness, because I sure as fuck don’t feel like doing it now.

EAT YOUR HEART OUT

Most people think you’re supposed to stuff your face in pregnancy (when in fact, this isn’t true!) but even if you wanted to, half of the time you can’t because you’re too bloated/constipated/nauseated and the other half of the time you can’t eat because you literally aren’t allowed to eat the things you want to eat.

Love bloody cows and runny eggs? Eat them now, because once you get knocked up everything has to be fully cooked. And there’s not much in life that’s more disappointing than a well-done steak.

That goes for cookie dough, too.

Other things to get out of your system before getting injected with a kid are:

• Anything with nitrates: Salami, pepperoni, hot dogs, bacon (they may, apparently, cause baby cancer)
• Cold cuts that are actually cold: Deli/lunch meats need to be microwaved before eating to kill potentially harmful bacteria that could make you miscarry
• Sushi/undercooked fish/salmon-lox/many different kinds of fish: Because of mercury contamination/undercooked meat thing
• Sprouts: Harbingers of bacteria
• Unpasteurized cheeses: In the U.S., there aren’t many unpasteurized cheeses in grocery stores, but if you’re like me and routinely went to the fancy gourmet cheese store … do it now, because once you’re pregnant everything has to be pasteurized. This also means reading every single cheese label for the next 9 months.
• Beer battered, bourbon marinated whatever: For obvious reasons. And before you say the alcohol gets cooked out: It doesn’t always. It won’t make you drunk, but it could still fuck with your kid. And nobody wants that.

Lastly, seriously take time out to enjoy kidless life. Because once you get pregnant, you start thinking about your baby before anything else.

“Did I just poop too hard and hurt my baby?”

“Oh shit, I ate salami every week for the first two months, did I just give my kid cancer?!”

“I went all She-Ra and lifted up the couch on accident, did I just damage the seamonkey?”

Enjoy not having to think like that, because once the pee stick turns colors, your time of selfish laziness is over.