Believe it or not, I actually forgot how far along in my pregnancy I am. Really, I just had to look it up on my pregnancy tracker app.
At 27.5 weeks pregnant, I can’t remember shit. Including how pregnant I am. I’ve had to set alarms on my phone for important things I don’t want to forget about. I have two lists in my purse right now — things to buy and things to do or simply not forget about (like reminding myself to keep my phone nearby because I’m expecting a call from a friend … no joke, that’s really on a list); two lists saved in my email — a list of baby shower attendees and a list of things we still need to do to the house both before the baby shower and before the baby; and another digital list keeping track of the things people have bought my kid, so that I actually remember to send out thank-you cards.
Being a grown-up is hard. Or rather, being a halfway decent grown-up is hard. It’s pretty easy to be a shitty grown-up. Being a halfway decent grown-up as well as a parent-to-be sometimes seems overwhelming.
In exactly half of one week, I will officially be in the third trimester
I won’t sugarcoat this (I say as if I’ve yet to sugarcoated anything): This is ridiculously uncomfortable. I swear I’ve felt the muscles between my underboob and torso stretch, although it feels more like an injury … it feels more like they have completely ripped apart and are two different entities now … like I’m slowly turning into an ant: My head, my boobs and everything else, all separated into three distinct areas.
If I push a poo out too hard, I can see my belly button start to pop out. It’s frightening to see in real time. I think in about a week or two, it will officially be an outtie.
Every day I look down at my stretched and painful-looking (and feeling) belly and I think, “There’s no way this can actually get bigger. Something is going to break inside me. My body isn’t built for this.” So far, nothing’s broken. But there’s still three months to go, and in those three months, the baby is going to grow the most he’s grown since he started being a … being.
I’ve read that at some point in pregnancy (generally a few weeks into the third trimester), it starts to become more and more difficult to breath. This is mainly because the human being commandeering your body is moving all your organs out of the way and squishing them up against one another. However, if you’re like me and ridiculously petite (my torso — meaning from my underboob to my pubis — is only about 4.5 inches long), certain symptoms occur sooner than normal and last longer than normal. One of these symptoms has been difficulty breathing.
It is basically impossible to take a deep breath. And walking AND talking? HA! After a minute or two I have to either stop walking or stop talking, or else I will stop breathing and stop the “being conscious-ing”.
But the breathing issue isn’t just while being active, it’s while doing everything and nothing. Even sitting. Even sleeping. When I get in bed at night, I need to take a moment to get my mountain of pillows in just the correct positions. This isn’t difficult, nor is it time consuming, but by the time I’m finished I’m panting as if I had just run up and down the stairs 10 times.
Speaking of being in bed at night
A little-discussed symptom of pregnancy is boogers. Lots and lots of boogers. Constantly. The whole fucking time. Just. So. Many. Fucking. Boogers.
Throughout most of this pregnancy, simply blowing my nose (or sticking twisted up tissues up there to clean it out, “snot rockets,” as some people call them) three times a day has taken care of the issue. But over the past few weeks, the snot has gotten so bad at night, that I’ve been waking myself up just from the loudness of my full-of-snot nose breathing. And an occasional snore. But mostly just the full-of-snot nose breathing.
I noticed that the booger buildup is worse when I’m laying down on my side, but when I’m propped up at a 45-degree angle on the pillow mountain, the problem almost entirely goes away. Of course, I find when I sleep like this, I don’t move at all in my sleep, and I wake up a few hours later with a completely numb ass.
Pregnancy: If it’s not one thing, it’s 10 others.
Invest in a back/belly brace
A friend sent me a wrap-around back and belly brace. AND HOLY SHIT, LIFE IS GREATLY IMPROVED. My back and and belly are both basically fine while sitting, but if I have to stand or walk for any amount of time, my low back begins to ache and feel extremely weak, and my belly begins to feel so heavy, I was starting to wonder if it was just going to fall off (no, I’m not being serious, but it does feel very, very heavy). Wearing the back/belly brace helps immensely. It doesn’t entirely cure the problem, but it helps enough to make standing and walking doable.
One final mid-to-late pregnancy symptom to look forward to
I’m burping so fucking much. And I’m not — generally — a burper. And I can’t control it. And most of the time, I don’t even feel the burps coming. I’m just sitting there, at my desk, at work, in a silent office, and I go to exhale and a big ass fucking burp comes out instead, out of nowhere, without warning.
Sometimes, if I’m really unlucky, stomach acid comes up with it, too.
This doesn’t seem to be related to anything I’m eating or doing. It just, is.
TRUTH IN PREGNANCY + PARENTHOOD 